where to start?
today is friday and on wednesday 9 days ago i did my last training work session. that was the 30th of november and i felt tired and unmotivated to continue to work. i have had so much pain for so long and even though work has kept me on my toes and i felt that i needed the distraction i noticed that preparing trainings was no longer fun and stressed me…
feels like a very good decision even if i now am a little bit bored of all time i have…i still have pain if i stand up or do to much, so even if i have energy and motivation to clean and organise the whole house i cant because of the pain. this creative motivation has been great this pregnancy. i feel i have done many fun things with filippa, hand craft etc, and the house is also more organised than ever. another fun thing is that my last weeks of pregnancy is over christmas so there are automatically a lot of fun things to do. i really enjoy that. yesterday i cleaned and organised the kitchen drawers (!!!!) and filled up with lots of food so we dont have stress with that when the baby is here. we have also started to fill the freezer up with food boxes so we have quick lunches and dinners prepared. the christmas buns are also in the freezer but there i already now eat a bit every day so soon we have to make more=)
so, lots of preparations in all ways…just to make it as easy as possible to celebrate christmas and have a new born baby in the house.
Today has been a really nice day so far. we all slept until 8 and had the morning off, doesnt happen very often now a days. i made pancakes for breakfast and then after a bit of morning tv filippa and I started to make pepparkakor. demian went to the village to do some errands and at 11.30 filippa went to marzipan and i went to acupuncture. i decided that i want to try to get the baby out today (will probably not happen as it feels like now) so after 20min of needles demian and i went up to blauherd for lunch. so nice to be up there and get winter feelings. beautiful and warm weather. afterwards i walked the ahv weg home to try to get something started but only ended up with backpain and dead hips. so now i have been lying down for an hour, cant feel any contractions or anything different. i guess 10th of december is ok as well….but soon i really dont want it to come any closer to xmas..that must be SO BORING!!! this kid will anyway be celebrated end of november=)
so, how has this pregnancy been. SO BLOODY LONG AND NEVER ENDING STORY! I still hate being pregnant…never again!!!
I have had my most unsocial and unactive 6 months of my life. everything has been about saving “energy” and movements so that i dont have to much pain. the pain has been different from week to week and quite unlogical. it has been important to me to work, but therefore i have only done what i have to to take care of filippa and work. after work i have just gone home to rest and lie down, not move to much. i don’t understand how i have managed to keep sane. i haven’t i guess. about once a month i have had a melt down infront of demian and soooo many times i have just felt like hiding in bed and never get up…
now i am longing to meet this baby, but most of the time i have just been longing to not be pregnant…to be able to move and do things spontaneously, to not have to consider every action. i feel that i have been such a boring mum for filippa, no running or playing, no lifting when she is sad (have had to find a chair to have her on my lap or just hug her sitting on my knees), saying no to all fun things she wants to do on the playground or ice rink, etc…and she has been fantastic. when she sees that i have pain she comes and takes my hand and says: so, now it will be better mum! we walk slow, mum! gets my pyjamapants and socks in the morning, helps me to lie down in her bed at night and is sooooo kind and thoughtful. asking me if i have pain in the back today or if the stomach is hard and painful. so sweet!
it has also been very different to not feel as comfortable in my body as i have understood that i normally do…there are not many periods in my life when i have been putting many minutes of the day thinking of my body in a bad way. as long as it functions and is capable of doing what i want it to do i am happy. there has been even less times when i have thought of it as to big, my problem has always been the opposite, that i am to skinny. what has been different this time is to accept the way it feels. i hate getting big breasts, they are in the way and my underwear doesnt fit, not sportsunderwear and not normal bras. i don’t like how they “jump up and down” when walking steps, how they hurt when lying on my stomach and how they just feel different. i don’t like how you see the veins and how the nipples get bigger, GAH, give me my flat small breasts back! this time my stomach has been just as small as with filippa, but it has been much more sensitive to activity. it got hard early on from walking fast or sitting in some positions. it was hard earlier to tie the shoes and it has just simply been in the way. i have not been able to see the beauty of pregnancy this time, not had the will or patience to accept the pregnant body…i guess because we didn’t want or plan this pregnancy. so, even if i havent gained any weight anywhere except belly and breasts and everyone are AMAZED of how small belly i have it has not been my dream…
this pregnancy is exactly the same as with filippa. i am as “big” (small) as with her, and i weigh the same as with filippa. the comments i get are 100times more offensive this time though…and it makes me CRAZY!!! they all say i am so small and some even have the nerve to say that i need to eat more etc. i cant believe how people allow themselves to say there opinion to a pregnant woman just because she has a small stomach (or a big stomach, “ARE YOU SURE IT IS NOT TWINS???). and unfortunately i always try to defend myself (tellign them about filippas weight and length), instead of just telling them TO SHUT THE FUCK UP! it is non of their business!
My doctor is not worried at all, and me neither. this is how my body works and my body produces very healthy and strong babies. if it would have been an overweight mum no one would have said anything, but skinny persons everyone feel they have the right to comment and criticise…even more so when they are pregnant. a pregnant body is anyones property. you can feel the stomach without asking and you can comment how it looks…STOP IT!
Well, now i am going to finish my himbeerblätter tea and continue to watch love actually! Filippa and demi come home in less than 2 hours. now i finally wrote this post which has been on my mind for weeks so now the baby can come. we are all so ready for this baby and now when it is almost done we are so happy that it happened. it has been a hell of a journey, both physically and mental…but i think and hope it has made us stronger and i am sure this little new person will bring so much love and joy to our lives!